I Thought Self-Isolation Was an Introvert's Dream

I love being alone.

Being an exhausted, broke student living in the heart of Toronto, I had felt I began to reach my breaking point. I was exhausted from the late nights studying, communicating with my roommates, and the constant interviewing and networking that runs hand-in-hand with being in journalism school. I was emotionally preparing myself for final assignments, stories I would have to write, the end-of-the-year gala for journalism students, and making summer plans with friends.

Along Came Coronavirus

I was well aware of the severity of the coronavirus pandemic, but like many, I never expected it to impact my life to the extent that it did. I was disappointed when school shut down all of a sudden and I wasn’t able to say good-bye to my friends and professors. Those living in residence had to move out at a moment’s notice. It felt as if the whole world, out of nowhere, was collapsing.

But beneath the chaos and confusion, inside me there was a hint of relief. It was as if the universe was telling me to take a moment to myself, to recharge. I felt incredibly guilty for this, and I was just as frightened and anxious as anyone else, especially because I was across the country from my family and knew that my grandma would soon be going in for surgery. But as dire as the situation was at first, I took it in my stride.

Two of my roommates had moved out, so there were only two of us living in our four-bedroom apartment a week after the university shut down. I took the time to start reading, writing and catching up on schoolwork. I took up cooking and baking and spent my days making homemade pasta and cookies. It felt as if the world had taken a step back, a step back that I didn’t realize I wanted so badly.

I began to do the things I had wanted to do so badly in solitude. I could go days without talking to anyone and revelled in the opportunity. This would probably be the only time in my life that I could justify staying at home, not having to go out and socialize. Sound’s like any introvert’s dream…right?

A Slow Decline

Over time, I learned that I was wrong. I found myself very lonely and disconnected. Of course, this was no different than the rest of the world, but for whatever reason it felt like a personal attack. I missed my friends and classmates. I missed sitting at my favourite coffee shop for hours. I missed taking the subway around town on the weekends.

I missed people.

I missed talking to strangers and the awkward small talk you make when you sit beside someone new in a lecture. I missed talking to my therapist. I missed my favourite professor, and I never got to thank her at the end of the year. I missed being surrounded by people, because in a way it made me feel like I belonged somewhere when I felt that I didn’t.

Suddenly, my dream of complete solitude had come true, and I hated it.

At the start, I was a miserable mess of self-pity. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I had no motivation. I ended up moving back home after a couple weeks, and even then I still felt alone in the experience. Not to mention the fact that four adults were living in one tiny apartment designed to house two, maybe three.

I spent most days mindlessly watching Netflix on the couch or trying to find the motivation to study for exams. I spent far too much time on social media and my self-image and confidence began to crumble too. I constantly asked myself “why me?” and dwelled on every event I missed out on or thought about how if things were normal I could go out with my friends on the weekends. I missed my apartment, having my own space. I felt suffocated. I needed air.

I thought things would never get better.

Eventually, though, there came acceptance. I started working at the cafe I worked at the summer before, and found a new perspective and meaning to the job. I loved interacting with customers, who were equally as relieved to have someone other than those in their household to talk to. It felt like at least a little bit of normalcy, and I was just happy to feel like a part of society again.

A Lesson Well Learned

As regulations surrounding self-isolation slowly begin to ease up here in B.C, I’ve come to reflect on this experience as a whole.

While I initially assumed that I would thrive in these circumstances, I quickly learned that was not the case. Even some of my more extroverted friends thought I would cope easily. What I learned, though, is that being an introvert does not mean that I don’t enjoy social interactions and situations. If anything I crave them, and merely need time alone with my own thoughts to be able to recharge. Knowing this, and looking back on my “adult” life; did I let my introversion get in the way of new possibilities and connections? It’s likely that yes, I did. Moving forward, I hope I won’t forget the past few months — although I’m sure none of us ever will. I look forward to being able to see my friends, hug my partner and go back to school.

Maybe I’m speaking too soon, but leaving this, I think I will start to see the world, and the people around me, in a new way.

Originally posted in "A Magical Space for the Introvert" on Medium